Touched by his noodly appendage
by NekoRainbow
Summary: Danna is an idiot, and the rest of the Akatsuki can only sit back and facepalm. [WARNING] Don't let Sasori cook.


**This is side-story to 'Facepalm' (which you should** _ **definitely**_ **read, as it is fabulous as hell), but 'touched by his noodly appendage' can easely be read alone ~**

 **Kuro is the second female member of Akatsuki. A really badass kunoichi who happens to carry the POV because of her awesomeness – you are not allowed to object ~**

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 ***^.^***

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We had all been skipping around the kitchen for quite some time now. We just couldn't help it… The smell had lured us in all day, and it frequently drew us closer or made us find excuses to make a stop by the unpromisingly closed door.

It felt like we had been waiting for ages, when the door finally opened. Out strode Sasori with a smug and self-satisfied grin. The tongues of heat and fragrances that burst out along with the little redhead, made us all take a simultaneous step closer.

Tiny pools of drool collected around our feet.

Sasori raised his arms as in a blessing. He let his emotionless glance slip over us. Then he lowered his head with the stoic words: "It is… Completed."

For a few seconds, everybody just stood there, caught up in the complexion of the moment. Then I just couldn't hold it anymore. I clapped my hands together, as I loudly exclaimed. "Well, that's nice! So then I assume we can all enjoy the delicious dinner we've been waiting for in-" I briefly glanced at the clock radio on the wall, "-now, three hours."

Approving mumbles ran through the crowd. That was when Sasori frowned. "What? You are not gonna eat it…"

" _WHAT_?!"

"There is no way I could let you disrespectful, greedy beings devour this eternal piece of art! This meal is something unique!" He snorted, "not that I would expect you to understand…"

I saw a vein in Deidara's temple twitch.

"Danna…" he said in a strained voice, "food. Is NOT. _Eternal_. It is. FUCKING _FOOD_ , YEAH!"

Sasori stared at the foaming boy coldly. "But, yet we do agree that this meal is art, ne? As then it should be treated like that! And art is _eternal_ brat!"

I facepalmed. I couldn't really determine whether this was just hilarious or downright horrible. Kisame decided for me. He bent over in laughing cramps. I couldn't help but to smile either.

Sasori just stared at us with narrow, annoyed eyes, as Kisame finally got a hold of himself.

"No seriously man! You got me. But really, just give us the food now. I'm starving."

The boyish-looking redhead nodded a single time, before he retraced into the kitchen once again. When he appeared again barely a second later, he held gigantic plate in his hands. It smelled like heaven, and everybody leaned a little in, until they could finally _see_ …

A choir of gasps arose. Damn… It was beyond comprehension how the hell Sasori had managed to transform such a plain and ordinary dish into… Well, the complexity of the food is not something easily described by words, but you _should_ know, that I had never ever seen _anything,_ that looked even nearly as Jashindamned delicious ~

A pair of big, blue hands broke into my vision with direction of the plate…

…Which suddenly disappeared.

"Wha-!" I jerked back as the compulsion was broken. Sasori's stern voice disturbed my thoughts.

"I told you! I will not let you stain nor devour my eternal art! Are you stupid?! I'll remove the temptation and retire to my room, where you are not allowed to come from now on." Period was implied.

We could only send him long, envious glances as he strode through the crowd. The plate was no place in sight, but I was sure it was there… _Some_ where.

 **~X~**

 **After 1 week**

"I can't stop thinking about it! RRRAAARRG!" I thrashed my hands up in the sky.

"Kuro-chan, focus."

"Konan-chan, I'm freaking hungry…"

" _Focus_."

I whimpered as I impaled the enemy ninja dashing toward me, with my wind-induced kunai. "But I'm literally starving ~" I killed off another two. Fifteen to go. "And I can't stop thinking about Sasori-baka's damn food! It's driving me nuts!"

She sighed, as she choked a couple of shinobi in her papers from a secure distance. "If you kill off the whole Konoha force here, I'll treat you some goddamn food…"

I flashed my teeth. "Consider it done ~"

 **~X~**

 **After 2 weeks**

"Deidara?! What the _fuck_ are you doing here in the middle of the night?!"

Deidara shakenly got on his feet. My flying kick had sent him into the opposite hall-wall with unexpected speed and power. I bet my chakra regulation was still a little off, due to me waking up barely a minute ago. Well, when it's in the middle of the night, and you suddenly hear somebody sneak around around your bedroom door, you're not allowed to blame me for being a little dizzy and confused.

And probably kick the hell out of you be accident…

He rubbed his chin with teary eyes.

"Dammit Kuro! I just wanted to ask if I could sleep here, un…"

I blinked. "Er, why?"

Deidara's face dropped. "Baka-Danna's sucky "eternal art" stinks like hell. I'm beginning to think he doesn't even have a smelling-sense of his own, but _I_ sure do, un. It _reeks_ …"

I facepalmed. "Told him so… It's _food_ for Jashin's sake! But why did you go here?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know… This is the _girls'_ room. It's kind of my and Konan's boy-free zone, so why here-…" I scrutinized his face, "unless you're thinking about a gender-change, because then you should know that I back you up-…"

"NOOOO!" Deidara flushed vigorously. "It's just… My own room smells like shit, Kisame's fun, but no way I could sleep in the same room as that high-assed Uchiha! Hidan's a bro, but I tried to sleep with him before, and he thrashes a lot and screams and punches in his sleep, so I wouldn't be able to close an eye… Then there's only Tobi and Zetsu's room, but errm… It's kind of embarrassing, but I'm sincere afraid the chibi might rape me, yeah. And Leader is scary…"

"So you decided to come here. Cha, I get it – make yourself a home…" I quickly glanced around, "… In that corner ~" I pointed. "And I'm sorry I kicked you." I grinned sheepishly.

"No offense taken." He assured as he made it into our room, "– but you got to teach me that kick, un! It was epic!"

I nodded. "Totally. It just came to me kind of offhand, when I heard you sneak around out there." I tossed my hair over the shoulder. Then something occurred to me. "Hey, why didn't you just take one of the empty rooms upstairs? There's a whole bunch of them… "

He froze. When he finally answered, his voice was weird. "I… I'm not good at sleeping on my own… Even back in Iwa I always slept with my littles sister."

"Wha-!" That was new to me. "You have sister?! Why did _I_ not know that?"

A faint smile ghosted on his face. "6 years younger, but a total prodigy. Had the same kekkei genkai as me. Was only afraid of a single thing. People always said she would grow up to be something great! But then…" His face darkened. "One morning she wasn't beside me in the bed. She hasn't been ever since…"

"…"

"…"

"I'm sorry…"

"Me too, un. Me too…"

(Konan had her life's surprise when she woke up with Deidara (I bet he had snuck up at some point of the night) in her bed the next morning ~)

 **~X~**

 **After 1 month**

"…"

"…"

"Would you be my back-up, if I tried to kill Sasori in his sleep?"

"Yeah, un…"

 **~X~**

 **After 1 month and 1 week**

 **Mission:** Take it by force

 **Approach:** Have Leader-sama make Sasori-baka go on a mission alone. Attack, disguised as foreign shinobi, and have Hidan and Deidara distract him while Kisame and I will sneak up from behind, stealing the plate while Sasori isn't paying attention. Dump it in a deep, dark hole.

 **Participants:** Me, Deidara, Hidan, Kisame

 **Status:** Failure

 **Note:** Don't ask. We're too embarrassed… (Deidara's note: Baka-Danna kicked our asses BECAUSE _we_ couldn't use our special powers. THAT WAS DEFINITELY THE ONLY REASON! Kuro did best because she's resistant to poison… Lucky bastard -_-)

 **~X~**

 **1 month and 3 weeks**

 **Mission:** Take him with the pants down

 **Approach:** Wait until the target has to take a dump and then have Tobi, Hidan and Kisame run into him, embarrassing him so much he won't even notice _me_ snatching the stinky food right under his nose. Then convince Itachi to burn the extremely uneatable dish to ashes with his katon-jutsu. And do it a long way from here. In another country. In the opposite direction of the wind.

 **Participants:** Tobi, Hidan, Kisame, Itachi, me

 **Status:** Failure

 **Note:** We waited for 30 full hours glancing through a little hole we bore in the door. Turns out doll-boy doesn't take dumps… Freak…

 **~X~**

 **After 2 months**

Sasori trudged down the hallway. His head was hanging low and he tottered a little.

"Wow, you okay Sasori-san?" I had just stepped out of my and Konan's bedroom, but reached him just in time to catch him as he stumbled over his own tiny feet.

He grabbed my arm and starred up at me with bloodshot eyes. "Where's the brat?"

When we got to the living room, Sasori immediately threw himself into the arms of Deidara.

"The-the food! It's… it's…"

"Danna, calm down!" Deidara looked up at me with panicking eyes. _'What should I do, un?'_ he mimed.

' _I_ don't _know! Comfort him…?'_ The blonde awkwardly patted his fellow artist on his head.

"Err… What's up, Danna?" he cleared his throat.

"It doesn't even look like _food_ anymore…" Sasori mumbled, as if he hadn't heard a word. He was way too lost in his own thoughts. He stared into the air, without seeing a thing. "It wasn't supposed to do this. I tried to preserve it, but it's… it's all moldy and rotten now!" He raised his head and gazed up, right into the slanted blue eyes of his partner.

"It grew a fur…" he whispered in a raspy voice. "A soft, white fur…" He began to giggle.

Sasori didn't giggle. It's a matter of fact. Sasori did _not_ giggle. The sound didn't fit his usual deep, emotionless voice at all. But usual didn't really apply here. _Usually,_ Sasori wouldn't touch Deidara with a fire poker. _Now_ he literally jump right into his arms. _Usually_ , Sasori kept his cool indifferent of the situation. At the moment, he was clearly falling apart. And I had an ominous suspicion why.

I facepalmed. "Sasori… Have you been drinking?" Bam. Nailed it. Or so I thought. "What – no?! Then… err… okay here's suspicion number 2…" I turned and pointed around the curious Akatsuki who had gathered around the… err cuddling 'couple'. "We're in an agreement that the food began to smell _months_ ago, right?"

General approving. Kisame even improved my statement by explicitly describing just how horrible and ghastly the reek had been.

"Thank you Kisame – but as that is the case, then… What is smell exactly? Aren't it just-"

"Skip to the fucking point, Kuro! You're losing me!" Hidan tugged his silverish, back-slicked hair.

I snorted irritated. "Then have it Hidan! Okay, I think that maybe Sasori-baka has been inhaling poisonous fumes from the food a little too long~ I bet that's why he's getting all sentimental and gibberish now..."

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We sat around the dining table eating a delicious meal cooked by no other than me ~ They could thank me later (right now, I think they were busy suppressing their gag-reflex, but I could be wrong. Maybe they all just got diarrhea simultaneously. Or constipation? It was hard to tell).

I finished a longer moral speech with the very conductive words: "And what have we learnt today?"

"Don't ever again let Sasori cook!", "Birds are pretty ~" :3, " _Real_ art is eternal indeed!", "Hn" (It's okay to be wrong, if you just admit your mistake), "Sasori-san is a closet-baka…", "Never _ever_ let Danna sniff poisoned fumes again, un!" and "Jashin-sama is one badass motherfucker MUHAHAHA!" were all answers mouthed on the exact same time. Still, what the fuck Tobi?!

I facepalmed. "Okay so nobody's gonna say something poetic or at least not completely obvious? No? Only Ita? _Dammit_ …"

"Hn" (We're surrounded by idiots)

"I feel our struggle Itachi-kun… I feel it _so_ hard…"

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 **Hi ~**

 **I'm NekoRainbow; and think rastafarians rock :3 If you want more, you should check out the original X3:** **s/11485245/1/Facepalm**

 **Either way, have an amazing easter, christmas, day, night, summer or whatever ~ Just enjoy your life (btw have you ever heard maps covered by Madilyn Bailey? Listening to it right now and DAMN! XD)**


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